Article: How to build healthy relationships
Article: How to build healthy relationships

How to build healthy relationships

Achieving beautiful, healthy relationships becomes easy when we know who we are. This article explains how knowing the true beauty of who we are enables us to share the journey with joy and harmony in all our relationships.

Reading time – 12 Minutes

The human nature of connection

The first thing to know about healthy relationships is that inherent in every human being is a thirst for connecting with others. In each one of us, there is a natural pull towards connecting or uniting and we cannot take that out—it is a natural part of the experience of being human.

Now, let’s take a quick look at the situation in the world today. In the history of the planet, there have never been so many lonely people. There are more social networks and singles meetings, all sorts of ways to connect with people online, but more than ever, more than tenfold compared to 100 years ago, people are lonely. We need to understand that background first, before we start.

Can you see the contradiction there?

We have this in-built nature that wants to connect, unite, feel whole and complete, but it is not happening. So we can say there must be something wrong.

This article shares the perspective that can help you to live in a way, and to see things in a way, so that the outcome will be different for you and you will be able to experience beautiful, healthy relationships.

The purpose of healthy relationships

Healthy relationships are enhancing, not diminishing.

These principles apply to all human relationships, not just romantic relationships, but let’s talk about lovers as an example.

It was meant to be that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, but after two people have been dating for a few months quite often the whole becomes less than the sum of the parts.

That’s a problem because our true nature is wholeness.

When a person is not worried and stressed, when they are very relaxed, they feel whole, and that is our true nature.

What happens in relationships when we don’t feel whole?

When two people join together, and each feels that the whole is less than the sum of the parts, who are they going to blame it on? They are going to blame it on each other! They may not always say it, but 95% of the time they do say it. And even if they don’t say anything, you can feel the energy—the vibration is not open and sweet.

Now, naturally you always try to go back to wholeness, and you want to get out of anything that makes you feel less whole. So that’s why sometimes a partner just runs away, just leaves, even leaving children behind. The person is not cheating, but the person feels less whole and feels that they can’t endure, so they just break loose to try to get back to wholeness again.

At the moment that the person breaks loose, they feel light. They may worry afterwards, and they may miss their children, but at the moment they break up they feel light. Sometimes in relationships, the moment that you break up, the first thing you feel is “Aaaah, I’m free.”

How to build healthy relationships - birds flying together

Healthy relationships are about sharing a journey together

When you see one bird fly in the sky, that is beautiful. When you see two birds flying together in the sky, that is also beautiful. But have you ever seen two birds flying together in the sky trying to clip each other’s wings? You don’t see that do you? But we humans do that, and then we blame each other.

You see, relationship was meant to be about sharing a journey together. That is actually what we want in a relationship—we want to be able to share a few stories, talk about what we have done during our day, share with someone when we stuffed up the presentation at work, or when the presentation went really well. We share a few stories! And the other person hears it and it enhances our life, gives our life meaning.

Healthy relationships are meant to be sharing our experiences, while each person is living their own life, walking their own path. You’re walking your path, they’re walking their path and you are just sharing. It’s beautiful.

Why relationships go wrong

When relationships go wrong it’s because, instead of sharing, we added just one thing—expectations. If you want to clip a person’s wings, the fastest way is to put expectations on them.

When you put expectations on a person, what you are saying to the person is really that, “I don’t accept you right now, but I’ll accept you when you do these things.” Or another way to put it is, “I don’t love you in this moment, I will love you later.” That is what you are really saying, and because of these expectations the other person feels like they are suffocating.

When you start to feel suffocated in a relationship you get to thinking, “Is this the person that I know? This is not the person that I met! It is a different person!” Or you feel, “I was wrong about him or her.” And then of course the next thing that you feel is, “I don’t love you anymore.”

This pattern repeats itself in the next relationship and the next, as long as we are putting expectations on each other.

Now let’s look at the perspective to change all that—the perspective that will lead to two birds flying together, not clipping each other’s wings.

When there is no clipping of each other’s wings, this means the relationship is coming out of ‘non-neediness’.

Healthy relationships can’t survive with neediness

Don’t enter into a relationship because of neediness! There are many types of neediness. For example, it could be that you need to receive love and you want that person to show love to you. That’s a formula for disaster right at the beginning—it doesn’t matter how much the person loves you, and shows love to you every day, because your expectation is born out of a neediness which can never ever be fulfilled by another person.

The person might show you a lot of love, but because of neediness you may try to test them to make sure they actually love you. Throughout the relationship you may be continually testing and doubting their love, so you cannot truly feel the sweetness of their love.

So we can see that it’s best not to enter into a relationship out of a feeling of need.

The solution for neediness?

The solution for this is to do whatever it takes to cut away all these needs. You can call these needs ‘conditioning’—things we have picked up along the way, things we learned growing up, things we learned from watching others.

For example, I grew up in a poor family and I learned to dislike scarcity or lack. So when I was at university I had a dream: I didn’t want to be a millionaire, I wanted to be a billionaire! I had learned scarcity and I felt, “I don’t want to be poor like that!”

So you pick up these things from conditioning and it creates a need. If you bring that feeling of need into a relationship, it clips the wings of the other person and that’s how you destroy the relationship.

Using meditation to build healthy relationships

During meditation, when you feel inner calmness it just feels beautiful. And you see, that feeling is you! That beauty is not somewhere else, with another person, it’s inside you. You felt it, and all you had to do was relax so that you could perceive it.

So when we practice meditation we start to feel beautiful. I’m not concerned about what techniques a person uses, what different traditions of meditation they follow, as long as those techniques lead to that sweet feeling.

That sweet feeling is what you are trying to get from the relationship, right? And the more you feel this beautiful sweet feeling in your heart, the more you start to feel, “Oh, is that who I am? Wow, I’m actually beautiful!

Even when you are by yourself, you feel that you are really beautiful. And that is called knowing who you are.

How to build healthy relationships - meditation

How meditation helps to dissolve neediness

The more you are in that feeling of deep peace, that beauty inside you, the neediness in you is just going to run away. It is going to just evaporate. And because you start to feel complete, you won’t put expectations on others. You feel beautiful, so you won’t try to make someone else show evidence that they think you are beautiful.

There’s nothing wrong with fashion, but when you feel beautiful you won’t have the intention to be fashionable just so that other people will give you information, or evidence, that you are beautiful—because you already feel that!

And when you feel that, you are going to look beautiful, even though your nose might be a little bit crooked, you might have a few scars or a pimply face. You will look beautiful because that beauty shines through you.

Sometimes you look at someone with a perfectly symmetrical face, an ideal type of face, but they don’t radiate that beauty.

So, to build healthy relationships we’ve got to know who we are.

Knowing who we are

There are two reasons why people don’t feel the beauty that they are.

  1. The first reason is that they forgot who they are. They forgot that sweet feeling in their heart because they haven’t gone to that space for a very long time. You don’t even need to call it meditation—it’s just going to that sweetness of their heart. They forgot the address of their heart, they forgot they are this beauty.
     
  2. The second reason is that they have never been reminded of that. Reminded in this case does not mean someone telling you that you are love and beauty—that’s called preaching, that’s not reminding. Reminding is making you taste that, experience that.

Reminders of our own beauty

The good news is that there are many people who know that sweetness of the heart, or know who they are, and they can become a mirror for others to see themselves.

A spiritual Master’s job is to mirror, mirror, mirror until the person feels, “I don’t need the mirror any more. I can actually see my face without the mirror!” Then that Master has succeeded. Until then, the Master keeps on being a mirror, vibrating that inner beauty or sweet energy so you can feel that from them. Then you just pick it up, without even knowing how.

You don’t pick it up by trying to remember the theory in your mind or reading many spiritual books. It is a heartfelt experience of who you are.

It is a big jump from mental knowledge to heartfelt experience, and that jump is easier through the bridge of that mirroring from the spiritual Master.

How healthy relationships manifest

When you live in the sweetness of your heart, when you don’t put expectations on your partner, they just love being around you.

When they are out somewhere they won’t feel guilty that, “Oh, I have to get back quickly.” That won’t happen because they know that you are just doing your own thing. Each of you is flying your own path. And when they come home life just feels sweet and you’re curious to share with each other. It’s not a mechanical conversation, it’s like new every time.

So we’ve got to know ourselves—feel that sweetness. A lot! Everyday. Then suddenly you:

  • no longer need to convince anyone that you are beautiful;
  • don’t need financial wealth to feel good; and
  • don’t need to tell other people that you are wise.

Suddenly you start to live and express yourself from that space and you can experience healthy relationships.

The experience of knowing who we are

There’s great wisdom from that space, all answers flow to you spontaneously and effortlessly from that space. From that space your energy is nice, your voice even becomes sweet. Your eyes will sparkle like the sun, you will not have flat, lifeless eyes. You will have laughter. Your life will be a surprise.

It’s not a fairy tale—it’s true. But you’re not going to know if you don’t go there and find out and feel that beauty in your heart.

You can’t find it in your mind, you’ve got to visit that address of the heart, many times. It’s a process, it’s a journey, it’s an adventure. It’s beautiful.

When we feel whole, we don’t feel a need for a relationship

You already feel complete so you won’t be searching for relationships, but you won’t feel afraid of relationships either. You won’t run away from life, you will embrace life. Embracing life means you welcome whatever comes—give me an apple or a mango, I will take either! It’s not this or that. You embrace life.

That means you don’t worry, “Oh, I have not had a girlfriend for two years!”

You’re not desperate, but at the same time you are always ready for when you really connect with someone, you feel it, and it flows naturally. It just happens.

And when it happens, you won’t know how it happened. It just feels like, “Oh, we’re together, how did that happen?” There was no search, it just happened. You couldn’t even wish for that! And when it happens like that, it’s beautiful. No clipping wings.

The person does one beautiful thing for you and you feel so grateful in your heart. And if you feel grateful, what do you feel? That you love them! You just feel the love arising. It becomes like that. Then you do something kind for them because you feel so grateful. You’re not doing a good deed because you feel you owe them, you just feel the love arising by itself.

How to maintain healthy relationships

When you’re complete, there’s no need for a relationship, but there is magic in the drama as well. There’s still magic in life.

But you’ve got to know how to ‘play the game’. That means you’ve got to know how to go to your home, go to your heart, to enjoy that deep restfulness. Then, when you feel like a bit of Shakespeare you go out to play! And if it’s a bit too much drama, you can go back into your heart and relax, recharge. Then you go out and play again. That’s called mastering life.

But you’ve got to know how to go to your heart. If you don’t know how to go there you’re stuck here in your head and your energy will just keep draining, until you’re flat.

When you go to your heart, you’re recharging. How is that recharging? Because you are going to that fountain of love, you’re going to that space of lightness and joy and peacefulness. You’re going to that relaxed, calm feeling.

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